


If only you knew

by Julieseven



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: A little angst, Boys Kissing, M/M, Mostly Fluff, blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:57:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9793091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julieseven/pseuds/Julieseven
Summary: This is Even's POV of the reunion scene at the end of Episode 7, written as a  2nd person POV.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't pretend to know what it's like to suffer from mental illness, but I tried my best to do Even's feelings justice...

You've been walking around the city for hours, trying to think of a way to get Isak out of your head. After slipping that drawing into his pocket while he was in PE, you had hoped that you would be able to stop thinking about him.

"So dumb", you murmur to yourself and sit down on a bench at a bus stop. With a sigh, you lean back and take a deep breath. Ever since that fateful conversation in the locker room, you have been so heartbroken it is sometimes hard to breathe. You had really hoped that Isak would be different, that you would somehow be able to be with him despite your fucked up mind.

"You're truly a dumb piece of shit", you say into the cold night air, making a passer-by stare at you angrily.

"Right back at you", the man says indignantly, but you don't bother explaining yourself. The man keeps walking and you stare up into the sky, listening to your own breathing in an attempt to sort out your thoughts.

If only you could just tell him. You run your fingers through your hair, remembering the look on Isak's face when he told you about his mother. He had looked so small and hurt, and in his eyes you had seen how painful it was for him to even think about the matter. Your heart hurts at the thought and you shake your head. No, you can't do that to him. You can't tell him you are just as "crazy" as his mother, if not worse. It would break him.

A single tear escapes your left eye and you feel it run down your cheek, still staring up at the sky, trying to count stars to distract yourself – unsuccessfully of course. It is better for both you and Isak if you never see him again, you conclude. The thought makes your chest contract and you feel as if your heart is going to explode from the pressure, and your breath comes out in short, shallow heaves. It hurts, and you don't know what to do to make it stop.

But just when you start to panic, your phone buzzes. You sit up straight, your heart suddenly pounding twice as fast as usual. With shaking fingers, you dig the phone out of your pocket and look at the screen. It's a text from Isak. You take a deep breath, bracing yourself for the worst, before you open it.

_"Hey, thanks for the drawing, but if you're not interested in anything more just forget it. Call me when you've broken up with your girlfriend."_

Suddenly, you're very glad that you're sitting down, because your head starts spinning. Isak thinks you ended things because of Sonja! That means … the sad look on his face the other day when you met him in the cafeteria … you didn't imagine it! He was hurting because you broke it off with him, because he thought you had chosen Sonja over him.

Every fiber in your body wants to let Isak know how wrong he is. So you don't even think twice before sending a text back.

_"Where are you now? Can we talk?"_

 Your heartbeat speeds up even more after you hit send, but at least breathing has become a little easier. _Maybe things can work out with him_ , a small voice whispers in the back of your head. You just have to tell him what's wrong with you, he might understand. If he likes you enough, maybe you don't have to lie about anything ever again, at least not to him. So you get to your feet and start walking.

 It's hard to keep track of where you're going with the storm of thoughts messing up your brain, but your feet carry you automatically towards Isak's place. While walking, you try to think of what to say to him.

_Hei, sorry I was so weird lately, but you see, I am a little fucked in the head._

No. You shake your head, biting your lower lip. If you said that, you would be begging Isak to run away. And despite what you thought just minutes ago, about not wanting to hurt him, you do want him to choose you, to want you back.

_Hey Isak, I'm bipolar._

You weigh those words on your tongue for a while, not actually uttering them, but trying to figure out what it would feel like. It's an honest and direct approach, sure. But it sounds so final. Like, once those words are out, you won't be able to take them back.

However, that is why you are walking to Isak's place right now, isn't it? You want him to know everything, and to still pick you. You smile into your scarf, almost in spite of yourself. Remembering the desperately sad look on Isak's face when he almost ran into you in the cafeteria, you are almost sure: Isak will not run. He will choose you. Somehow, you will make it work. You just have to.

You start walking faster, determination making you feel stronger, almost invincible. And then, just as you turn into the street Isak lives on, you feel your phone buzzing again.

_"Chilling at home."_

 The tiniest smile tugs at your mouth. You can almost hear Isak exhaling nervously as he sends that message, not knowing what to expect in return. And because you're less than a hundred steps away from his front door, you decide not to reply at all.

 Ringing the door bell, you take a few deep breaths and close your eyes, trying to stay calm.  _It will be okay, he will understand_ , the little voice in the back of your head whispers again, and you nod to yourself, as if that was going to make it more true. Still, your hands aren't as steady as they were a minute ago.

You almost miss the sound of the door buzzing open. At the last second, you push against it with your shoulder, not trusting your shaking hands. It takes you a long time to climb up the stairs, and the closer you get to Isak's floor, the louder you hear your heart beating against your ribs.

"I'm just going to tell him. This is it. All or nothing", you say to yourself, quietly but with determination. And then, you're finally standing in front of Isak's door. Taking another deep breath, you raise your hand and knock three times.

 The door opens and there he stands. Isak. Wide-eyed and his perfect lips parted, as if he can't believe you're really there. You stare back at him, and all the words you have been preparing in your head for the past ten minutes have suddenly evaporated. All you can do is look at him. You drink him in and hope he won't just slam the door shut in your face.

 "Halla", Isak croaks after a while, sounding shocked and incredulous, and you almost smile. He's nervous, too. You can tell by the way he searches your face for a reason why you're here. So you raise your eye-brows at him in a brave attempt to seem completely at ease, hoping he won't notice that your hands are still shaking.

"Halla."

Isak says nothing, he just keeps staring at you. If you didn't know better, you'd almost be tempted to think there is a hint of longing in his expression. That can't be. Surely, he must hate you for leaving him like that, for just disappearing for no apparent reason. And then your heart suddenly sinks. You should leave. He's never going to accept your explanation anyway. You look over your shoulder, down the hall you just came from, and then back at Isak, trying to think of an excuse to leave.

 But Isak exhales sharply and takes two fast steps towards you. Before you can react, his hand is in your neck and he presses his lips to yours. Every thought of leaving goes up in smoke and you throw both arms around him, pulling him close while kissing him back. Something in the back of your head falls into place with a soft 'click'. It's as if you had run away from home and finally found your way back. Your lips chase Isak's as he sighs contently and runs his hand through your hair, making all your concerns about what you should tell him disappear. All that matters is that you're here, and Isak is here, and he's kissing you as if his life depended on it.

You lock your arms tightly around him and revel in the feeling of his fingers knotting into your hair. When Isak sighs softly and pulls you even closer, you can tell he missed you, just as much as you missed him. He draws you with him, throwing the door shut behind you and then wrapping his arm around your waist, bringing you even closer. Somehow, you manage to quickly shrug off your jacket without removing your lips from Isak's. Your arms go back around him immediately, and when you hear Isak hum contently as you pull him close, the shiver running down your spine almost makes your knees give out.

Your head is spinning by now, but you just hold on to Isak and let him lead you to his room. Isak parts your lips with his tongue, and you sigh into his mouth, your tongue happily dancing with his. _He's become so much braver_ , you think. When you kissed him for the first time in that pool, he barely knew how to respond. But now, Isak is the one taking charge. He aligns your hips with his, using both hands, making you gasp at the contact. Keeping one of his hands on your waist, he reaches for your neck with the other. And he kisses you with so much passion you feel your knees turn into butter.

 Still, you have to know if this is really what he wants. It takes all your willpower to move your head back for a second to look at Isak, a silent question in your eyes. Isak sees it, and answers with a tiny nod.

  _Yes. I want this. I want you._

 You smile when his lips meet yours again, the kisses becoming more urgent now. An intoxicating euphoria clouds your brain as you raise a hand to caress Isak's neck and to pull him closer. You feel both his hands running up and down your back frantically, as if he's reclaiming territory. Wrapping one arm around Isak's waist, you gently bite his upper lip, and the pleased sigh that escapes him sends chills down your spine. _He's mine, mine MINE,_ the voice in your head calls and you kiss him again hungrily, roping your arms tightly around him _._ You push your tongue against Isak's, and when you feel his hands slip under your shirt at your waist, you can't help but gasp, but not because Isak's fingers are a little cold.

  _Still not close enough_ , you hear yourself think and move your lips to Isak's neck, feeling his fingers tighten on your skin. Keeping one arm wrapped around Isak, you reach for his thigh and curl his leg around your waist, pulling him flush against your chest, grinning against his skin when you hear him gasp with surprise. Isak moans quietly when you suck a tiny bruise into the sensitive skin at his collarbone. You can feel his hands running up along your back to grab on to your shoulders and hold you close, sending chills down your spine. Like this, with your upper bodies pressed together, you can feel his heart beating frantically against your ribs, and it makes you feel so strong, like you could uproot trees with your bare hands.

 With a hungry groan, you lift Isak up a little, putting your lips on his again, and half-carry him across the room. Pushing him against the wall next to his bed, you wrap both arms around him and crush his lips with yours so forcefully it almost knocks the breath out of you. Isak breaks away, panting, but only for a second. His hand finds your neck and he pulls you in again, and you suddenly realize that both of you are wearing too many clothes.

 At first, you move to take off your hoodie, but then you decide to go all in and pull Isak's checkered shirt off his shoulders in one fluid movement, watching him warily. If you had expected Isak to react hesitantly, you couldn't have been more wrong. His breath catches as you lean your forehead against his, and he pushes your hoodie down your arms. Without missing a beat, he then throws off his snapback and pulls his T-shirt over his head. Gasping slightly at the sight of his naked upper body, you stare at him for a split second before grabbing the hem of your own shirt and taking it off as fast as possible.

 Isak stares at your chest for a long moment, but then his hands find your waist and pull you into him again. Your chests collide and the feeling of his skin on yours makes you feel dizzy. Cradling his face with your left hand, you press your lips to his again, and again, and again. In-between kisses, you look into his eyes, looking for Isak's permission to keep going, to not stop touching him. The look in Isak's eyes makes you blush.

  _Whatever you want,_ Isak tells you wordlessly, kissing you back ever more urgently, and your heart flutters a little. Still, you kiss his lips again, and then his chin, his neck and his collarbone, slowly getting down on your knees in front of him. Isak gasps when your lips reach his hips and your hands find the waistband of his jeans. But when you stop and look up at him, he just nods, lips parted and eyes full of want, full of need.

 So you unbutton his jeans and pull them down, while your tongue is painting circles onto the sensitive skin above his hipbone. Isak's hands are in your hair and you feel his muscles tense under your touch when you run both hands up along his thighs. Your head is about to explode with excitement, but your hands are steady when you reach for the waistband of Isak's dark blue boxers. Again, you look up at him, leaving your lips on his skin.

 This time, Isak actually groans a little in frustration and rolls his eyes. _Go on already,_ you read from his face, and you can't help but smile against Isak's skin, making him shudder slightly. Just because you can, you decide to torture him some more. Placing your hands on his hips, you lean forward and kiss Isak's dick through the fabric of his underwear, feeling it twitch under your lips and at the same time, Isak lets out a stifled moan. His hands tighten in your hair as you lick up along the length of his dick, and then you can't wait any longer.

With an impatient growl, you pull Isak's boxers down and carefully wrap one hand around his beautiful, hard dick. Isak moans quietly and thrusts his hips forward a little. You lick your lips and look up at him again, grinning and raising an eyebrow at him. Isak bites his lower lip and just stares at you, panting slightly. Still grinning, you stick out your tongue and lick his tip, keeping your hand around his shaft. He tastes delicious, salty with a hint of sweat. You savor the taste on your tongue for a moment, enjoying the little sounds Isak utters as you lick him, slowly and deliberately.

 And then, without warning, you wrap your lips around him, taking him in about halfway. Isak moans again, louder this time, and his hands move to your shoulders, his fingernails digging into your skin. As you start moving your mouth up and down along his dick, you can hear Isak's breath catch, but you keep going. Your tongue circles his tip before you take him into your mouth again, almost all the way this time, and Isak's moan reverberates through your entire body.

 "Even", he breathes, but you don't stop. You start moving your hand together with your mouth, caressing Isak with your tongue and fingers, and you can hear his breaths becoming shorter and shorter. "Even, I'm … close", he pants, running his fingers through your hair, and you nod curtly, but still don’t stop moving your mouth and hand on his dick. Isak lets out a loud, drawn-out moan, thrusting his hips forward again, and you hear yourself moan with him as he comes down your throat. You take all of it, swallowing carefully as if Isak had just fed you a delicious treat.

Only when Isak's breath slows down a little, you remove your mouth from his dick, apparently not a moment too soon: His knees give out and you catch him by the hips and pull him onto your lap. You're hard as a rock, but you don't care about that right now. "Hehey, are you alright?" you laugh, take Isak's face between your hands and kiss him.

Isak hums against your lips and wraps his arms around your shoulders. "Oh, I'm more than alright", he murmurs and leans his forehead against yours. "I can't believe you did that", he adds, almost whispering.

 You brush Isak's nose with your own and stare at him, almost not daring to believe he's really here, naked, in your arms, smiling as brightly as the sun. "Should I do it again to make you believe it?" you breathe and kiss him again, long and lingering, your hands running down along his spine to rest in the small of his back.

"Shit, Even", Isak chuckles and brings his hands to your neck, looking into your eyes. He splays his fingers on your throat and kisses you again, gently and carefully, as if he were afraid you might break. This is a kiss unlike any kiss you've ever gotten. Isak is kissing you as if he were trying to tell you something. A shiver runs through you entire body and you when you wrap your arms tighter around Isak, you think that you never want to let him go. Finally Isak frees your lips and leans his forehead against yours again.

"You're amazing", he murmurs, cradling your face with both hands. The look in his eyes makes your heart contract, and you suddenly remember the reason why you came to see Isak.

 _No, I'm not_ you think and bite your lower lip, trying to figure out how to start telling Isak just how NOT amazing you are.

However, looking in to Isak's happy face, you can't bring yourself to destroy that smile of his. So you lean forward again to kiss him. And when your lips meet his, you try to put it all behind you. Isak will make it all better. With him, you can be the best version of yourself. Nothing bad will happen to you, as long as you stay with him.

So you kiss him, running one hair through his hair and wrapping your other arm tightly around him. You kiss him and think that you just might never need or want to do anything else ever again.


End file.
